I am a mother by choice. In fact, all I ever wanted to be WAS a mom. And my childhood fantasies of “mommying” were of the now Pinterest style that “pins” on people’s virtual boards.
But somehow this road of motherhood has been FAR more than I ever bargained for. In fact, it is in the mere act OF mothering that has been what has almost broken me, shredding me to within inches of existance. Whether it was the loss of 5 pints of blood, and an ICU visit of a week, after an emergency c-section for my firstborn, where I almost first gave up my life. Or maybe it was the unexpected premature birth of my second child, resulting in numerous lingering medical issues for both of us long after the delivery that almost did me in. But the most significant factor in my identity as a mother hasn’t been as a “soccer mom”, or a “PTA President”, or even a “class mom”. No, it has been in the last 18 years of trauma and abuse that the three of us have lived with, and how I have fought with everything I have been, to protect my children from the very people that are supposed to be the ones protecting THEM….. This journey has shaped my “mom card” far more grievously than most.
Yet it is IN these scars of life that have been the making of who I am. I’ve learned that real strength is to hold your head high, not back down, not give in, and never lower yourself to the grime thrown at you. I’ve learned that being a mom is far more front lines battle than teapots and roses. I’ve learned that the more you lay your own life down, the more life you truly live. And most importantly, I’ve learned first hand that, often who you are, is first who you AREN’T.
To the moms that have had to show up, and be so much more than who they thought they would ever have to be. Cheers.